I ran out of newspapers to use last week… Now, before we get there, I’m more of a newspaper kind of guy… Magazines are great, but I grew up with newspapers so that’s what gets me excited. Not just any kind of newspapers though, I’m not about to beat it to financial news or politics stuff… I only use those “women’s tabloids / newspapers”. I don’t know what they’re called, but they’re the ones filled with fashion pages, makeup tutorials, news, and other pictures that I can use.

Besides, I like newspapers better than magazines due to how versatile they are. They’re larger, noisy, and much more absorbent. Perfect for cleaning. I can just crumple them all and toss them after use, like tissues. And they’re generally cheaper too. I usually buy them by the kilos.

I called up my usual junkman / recycling plant guys asking if they have some stock… Unfortunately they didn’t have any. Saying stuff like “Newspapers and tabloids are hard to come by these days…” and other excuses.

So I turned into the internet (why do I sound like an old man here) and scoured for some good listings. I found one… The pictures were kind of horrible, but I could make out they were those fashion / women tabloids. My kind of thing! Basically “selling them all, but have to pick them up by yourself..” I arranged the meet at the seller’s house.

The only strange thing about the listing was… it explicitly stated that the newspapers were for “keeping”. I’ve seen (and bought) countless newspapers from these kinds of listing and they usually sounded like “some old newspapers, perfect for packing, wrapping, cleaning, whatever..” Seeing them advertised as for keeping sounded a bit strange..

The language was kind of… confusing (like mine here) but I thought it looked legit enough. It wasn’t that far from where I live so I could just go there and check out what’s going on.

To my surprise, the seller was this very kind middle-aged lady. She said that she wanted to offload her “collections” because she had no need of them. She was also surprised because a “young boy” actually checked out her listing. I’m not that young by the way…

Now here’s the thing. The newspapers were… all old stuff. At least to me. They’re from 1990s to early 2000s. Anywhere between two decades to three decades ago. Rare stuff (to me). And they’re pristine! They’re all arranged neatly by dates, and each of them have the spine stapled and taped to prevent them from breaking. All of them have complete pages, even the supplementary things. No folded pages, no folded corners, no faded cover, no discoloured ink. Nothing.

You know how old newspapers tend to yellow after some time? Well, none of them are! It’s as if they were printed yesterday. Some of them even still smells… like they’re fresh off the printer.

Those newspapers, they were extremely looked after. That’s for sure.

I was taken to like, a short tour of her collections. She pointed out her favourite editions, even told me stories of how she got some of them, or interesting tales on specific editions. Even ones where she actually appeared on the paper. Turns out, she was a teacher, and she loved reading and newspapers, and she made it her lifelong goal to keep and archive the newspapers she had read over the years. Now, I’m as introverted and socially rubbish as so many people of my generation, but… I had a lovely time talking to her. She reminded me of my late aunt, with all of her life stories.

Anyway, due to some “personal issues” she refused to discuss, she was looking to sell some of them.

“Just wanted those papers to find a new loving home,” she said.

And this is why she wouldn’t just sell them to anyone. And also the same reasons she listed them for “keeping”. I had wanted to ask why she didn’t donate them to a library, or maybe a museum… but my social anxiety got the better of me. Besides, she was quite hush hush when it comes to the reasons of why she’s selling them, so I doubt I’d get a good answer even if I asked.

Now, those are rare women’s newspapers to me that I’d love to have. So I told her how much of a collector I am. I showed her some pictures of my newspapers and tabloid collections at home. I tried to flex as much of my newspaper knowledge as I could.

I told her how I grew up with newspapers, and how even today, decades later, it still stuck. I told her how I’m the last bastion of a dying generation of newspaper readers. They all true, I didn’t lie.

I simply didn’t tell her how most of the newspapers I have ended up being used for.

Or how instead of putting the newspapers back into neat shelves after reading them, I stuff them into my pants, wrapped my member with the picture of the cute model on the make up tutorial page, and blow my load into them and let them absorb it, as I call out “Oh Vanessa (or whoever the credited name on the page) you’re so cute!”

She was glad that she found the perfect buyer, and she let me buy her collections. It was quite affordable, especially as something as rare and authentic as those newspapers. I got… quite a lot of them. From 1999-2003, give or take. They’re bi-weeklies so I got like, a couple dozens of editions? Neatly arranged and sorted.

Before I left, she told me to “Please take care of them, I think you’re the perfect owner for those lovelies..” I told her of course, and I went home.

ALRIGHT ENOUGH INTRO

So here’s the… conundrum.

Those newspapers are like… time capsules. They’re in perfect condition, or as perfect as newspapers from 20 years ago could be. I’ve spent the last few days of my free time reading them. It was such a trip, reading the news from the years when I was still young, seeing ads that I remember young me had seen years ago, and how the world was back then.

It was such an exhilarating experience checking out the fashion pages, learning the trends and the models back then, and what was considered as “pretty” from those years.

And the realisation of how far downhill we’ve gone when it comes to printed media. The paper is so delicately thick, so noisy, so crinkly, so… enjoyable to the touch.

And yes… I was so… aroused reading them.

I really want to use them. Just imagining how incredible and sublime it would feel, to pull one off with such rare materials. I would have to remove the staples from the spines and separate / tear off the pages, because they had this plastic thing that combined several editions into one. So, if I were going to use them, I’d have to ruin them. And yeah, they’d be ruined when I’m done anyway.

I’m dying to know how it would feel like. Some of the pages are… really exciting.

Am I going to ruin 20+ year old “artifacts” that’s been meticulously taken care of for a few minutes (or even seconds) of excitement?

Is it a good ending for those newspapers, being loved and cherished for years only to end up being used as, essentially, a cumsock substitute and a mop?

Do they deserve them?

What would she say if she knew how I use them?

But… I swear… I really, really want to.

Decisions, decisions..